A new aura

From Mario to Ezio: What's in and what's missing

2012-02-28T17:29:00.003+05:30

Video Gaming- possibly the next big thing after Big Bang! A child is born not only to live and die but also to GAME ON (at some point or like me-forever!), else he misses one of the most amazing non-alien things on Earth. Well, not going through the evolution or statistics in detail, but what about the changes from 'those' classic retro gaming days to 'these' xbox and on-the-go gaming days? Well, being inside of and lively connected to a professional life with a gaming organisation and being a part of the global gaming phenomenon from a player's perspective, I have some words to say about the things that are now 'in' and 'missing' within these two era-s and the flow within: retro days and modern days.

The magic of *Pew-Pew* and *1-UP* days

Retro days of gaming were pure bliss. I doubt if anyone does not nod to this word. Machines were bigger, bulkier. But a pure different unknown beautiful world used to stay hidden within the monochromatic, and later color, screens. The 8-bit colors of animation supporting user interaction were beautiful in their own way, added with the monophonic sounds and musics that we can still remember once we listen to it. Some used to be tough but most used to be easy, and of course addictive!

So how did retro games make it to the deep of our mind and heart?

_Shigeru Miyamoto with his phenomenal creation: Mario_

The games that are there in our 'golden' retro memories, like Asteroids, Contra, Sonic, Mario, Prince of Persia... were mostly the result of creative brain-n-mindwork of individuals, to name a few. Most of the games were NOT at all made to count the crunching revenue, but to be a revolution within the flow of technology and creative entertainment at THAT time. Shigeru Miyamoto did not come up with an idea to only get hits over the market for his creation, but with an idea to share the pure fun of jumping over mushrooms and turtles and reach till the end to find out the princess. That was and IS the reason for which Mario became a name on not only the gaming industry, but within the whole history of Earth and Man-made evolution in technology. Same is with Prince of Persia and the man behind the work, Jordan Mechner. Retro games used to be the carefully prepared dish of creativity and art, yes.. art that is. Pixel by pixel arts with just 8bit colors, and later that evolved to 24-bits. And not to forget the beautiful monotonic musics and sfx tones that added life to the visual aura through the ears.

_Contra title screen_

The developer and publisher organisations used to carry the whole "Quality Assurance" through their brand name (followed by the success of their released titles). Once there was a title released by SEGA or Konami or Namco, there used to be hardly any doubt left for the kids and people and gamers out there to go and buy the discs! There was no YouTube that time, no IGN, no Facebook page to LIKE and Recommend and Share (and spam) to get some early money and promotion. The only window of promotion was the computer stores and Video Game stores, and later the TV and printed media, sometimes. But the games never failed to catch the crowd across globe. And used to be one of the greatest entertainment media at that time, and even now.

_A Floppy disc of the ultimate classic: DOOM_

The retro games were mostly arcade. Platform games like Mario and Contra came later, to change the perspective of gameplay. And later after the arrival of Windows (DOS), gaming proved to be again a real source of entertainment. Consoles like Nintendo and Gameboy were only for gaming, where Windows was not just a *gaming*-thing. Hence it was more easy in the flow of making a game and playing a game, that too without buying any other specific device or console meant just for gaming. Floppy diskettes showed up, along with a jump from 8-bit games to 16-bit ones with various upgraded sound-features. 3D gaming was 'the thing' that proved to be a plus point for Windows systems. Windows changed the scenario of gaming at that time, may not be a large account, but by an impressive mark.

_Nintendo Gameboy_

Handheld gaming devices were actually most popular because of their portability and the never-ending love for arcade and platform games, despite the arrival of the 3D world in gaming. Nintendo Gameboy, Sega Game Gear,Atari Lynx were to name a few among those. These handheld gaming devices were mostly liked by kids and teenagers, because a computer in those days was not what a computer now these days. The machines used to be bulky and there were lots of chances to mess up with important documents, and hardware issues. Portable handheld devices conquered the goal at that time and it was fun playing with just few buttons rather than a whole set of keys on the keyboard. Manufacturing companies like Nintendo, Atari were on high because of their success in both providing the game and the device to play it with.

But retro gaming was not just limited within portables and arcades and just 'select-score-win' formula. And there was the new aura, the new inclusion of thoughts and creativity, that was different from the path again, that introduced storylines and adventures and with the help of the 3D worlds, a totally new gameplay experience.

It was the time of an evolution again, from retro to modified and revamped environment-games that are still staying somewhere in our PC even in 2012. Those are the games that we call now 'old-school games'.

The revolution in gaming: Old-school era

_A screenshot within the gameplay of DOOM_

Along with the programming evolution, game developers came up with brilliant ideas of bringing the 'in-game' world more towards reality and fun of gameplay. And with the early experiments with 3D engines, games like DOOM, Wolfenstein set up a new mark in the history of gaming. Those were not in 3D, but kind of what we can call, semi 3D, that made the gameplay experience a lot different from what it used to be. First use of detailed textures started with this change, and changes kept coming in, due to the ease of coding, implementing and playing these games on Windows based computers.

_IGN_

These retro FPS and other games quickly got viral within the crowd and the graph of sales and increment started to o higher, along with the popularity of the titles from several established and also newly emerging publishers. And a new thing appeared in the gaming phenomenon that is now a BIG part of the gaming phenomenon.. that is the reviewing networks. Yes.. IGN, Gamespot (Both launched in 1996) and other reviewing websites and networks started the biggest thing in the promotion and publicity of video games during the old-school era. And this thing also affected the video game industry and individual titles and their sales to a lot. Good reviews by gamers and editorials of these reviewing sites gave a boost to the titles and publishers, whereas a game is good or not..that too could be easily decides seeing it's point by the reviewers.

And hence, with and without everyone's notice, gaming entered a different world back from the retro and old-school days of gaming. The world that we are in. The amazing and brilliant world that we live in now.

MOD3RN G4M1NG: TH3 W0RLD N0W

_A screenshot from Assassin's Creed Revealations (2011)_

Gaming and whatever meant by 'gaming' totally changed during the entrance to the millennium and whatever we are seeing now, playing now is "THE NEXT BIG THING". Gone are the days of gaming with keyboard and mouse and all. It's all changed now, along with the age old keyboard-mouse theme, we have entered the world of motion-sensor enabled gamepads, portables with storage capacity of hundreds of Gigabytes and even Kinect®! Gaming is not anymore getting before the laptop or desktop and sit and play now. Gaming has evolved to make us running along with our avatar, whether we are in our room, road or in the plane. With the evolution in portable gaming and implementation of motion controlling gadgets, we are now in the world where we feel the gaming in reality, be that the Parkour moves of the MODERN Prince of Persia that is totally revamped from the previous gameplay and implementation and its limits, or be that the modern 2D platformers like Braid, And Yet It Moves, Super Meat Boy or our favorite Angry Birds! Gaming has even moved to the handhelds like PSP and even to our handsets through Android, iPhone and other phones, portables and tablets.

So has gaming really changed a lot? From the good-old-days of Mario to these multi-processing graphics engine-rendered eye-catching beautiful world of Ezio and others?

Modern gameplay is actually a 'restart', but on a different way. From shooters to strategy games, the feel starts at the same point where old-school gaming left us, but actually supersedes both the feel of gameplay and technology from the very beginning. Be it through the technology and engines that are on, or be that the new type of gameplay and the advance of graphics and sound, modern games are always ahead in it. Even 2D games are having good graphics (some may seem simple but actually require a hell lot of processing power from the core) along with good sound and enriched storyline to get immersed within. And even the production and development side are now enriched with media, tools, resources and everything that they need to make the enriched part of the game. Users are provided support and help as required, and one can check the gameplay video on YouTube before actually going to try their own hands on the gamepad or the keyboard. Previously this was not possible with the retro titles. Still the retro titles shine even in this modern world. The reason is as said earlier, the creative thinking and effort put in the games. And same applies to some games that are released now as well. Some games are pure crap, they boast for advanced graphics and all but lack a good storyline, and addictive gameplay. That is not a video game. And there are plenty of them now, sadly, if we look into the past, not all the games released at that time were this bad. Reason? Well, I would say, for time-saving, for stopping piracy and putting DRM which actually kills the fluidity of casual gameplay, and ofcourse, the lure over earning money rather than making a mark in the history, from the production and development side. However, it's good that not all the publishers are too worried about just earning and 'pre-orders', but on creating quality, innovation and a good video game to keep playing and playing.

_A screenshot from the game 'Cave Story'_

However, independent game development, or as we say it now, indie- games are slowly but surely catching the market. And those games are really keeping it to the core - 'good game first'. Examples are: VVVVVV, Machinarium and more. That is where still the essence and pure fun and joy of gaming is still alive. And also with continued fan support and forums and MOD-sites for keeping games like DOOM, Cave Story (Doukutsu) alive even in the world of cel-shades and DirectX11 skies.

So, we can just agree to disagree, but gaming never means adding hell lot of graphics and bizarre deja-vu of things in a quickly made pack and calling it 'game', gaming lies to the core of the game, where the player loses himself, where the player feels comfort with his Avatar, be it with portable or Kinect, be it 8bit or 64bit.

That is gaming, from the time of Mario to the current revelations of Ezio, and that is what will keep Video Gaming alive, because it is pure fun that is harmless, and ofcourse the friend whom we forget when we go 'mature' and all. :)

Note: Credit for the title image of retro characters: http://xamoel.deviantart.com/
Game images are used for personal blogging and share of information purpose only. No promotion or any kind of publicity is intended.

A 'Shah Rukh Khan'-type love story

2012-02-14T15:48:00.000+05:30

Some were clapping, some were just blowing the 'siti'. And I was standing like a guy who has been slapped real hard, or kissed real smooth. Either of it, I couldn't but smile. And that's where it turned out to be a bollywood-filmy incident.. err, 'accident'.. a silly, sweet accident!

Last night it seemed silly, as I was returning from my office on bus, grabbing a window-side seat. It was all same out there on the streets of Hyderabad, but I guess some sort of feeling made it special. I plugged in my earphones and plunged into some lovely beats through the ears, while visually getting immersed into the world outside through the glass of the bus-window. No, it was not like I was cooking a plan in my mind for the next day, but so many memories were coming into the mind from the timeline, one after another.. and finally that part was again and again rolling in my mind, about the silly gossips with her, and the moment of my nervousness when I spoke with her... it was all silly, some crush or infatuation maybe, as she said and clarified to me earlier. But anyhow after some hours on that bus it was going to be the 14th February, and how could I keep myself away from dreaming a bit, I guess there's no punishment in dreaming and imagining a little bit about someone you have crush on, so did I. And that's what made the bus journey a little bit more colorful, and I opened the window, to have some fresh air (Statistics of air-pollution should be ignored) and every time I spotted some young couples on the street, I smiled, unknowingly... God knows what was going on my mind, maybe Facebook knows it.

Of course I had and still have some plans to meet her some day, at some point of our lives. But she was not sure, but anyways, who cares, Love is always uncertain, and that uncertainty of Love makes it different and specially different from any other human emotion and its conclusions. Therefore, in brief, I have crush over a girl and she's away from my city. So I have a plan to meet her some day, in Kolkata.. maybe.. or maybe not. Anyways it's a crush. But what does love starts from? From zero? Or from a silly crush or feeling, or some stupid smileys? These all came to my mind while being on the bus. But the only thing that kept me bugging in my mind is that.. maybe she will find me a complete stranger, despite of so much talking and texting and sharing our mind. And that was what all the "NO"-s were coming from in my mind. Anyhow, I didn't think much and got off the bus, and that was my silly 13th Feb- night.

Woke up the next day, TODAY, wished her 'Happy Valentine's day' over sms. And anyhow these were 'my' typical everyday thing, just poured in some hidden love within the sms that she maybe didn't notice. And got prepared for my office, yeah, that's somehow pathetic about being employed, you get no leave for Valentine's day, unless you take one of your own and plan to spend the day with someone special, which is not my case (unluckily) as she's not within my reach... both through the measure of distance and of feelings. So I got ready and got out to catch the bus to my office. Little did I know some typical 'Shah Rukh Khan' -type filmy thing would happen to me once I get out to the world of 14th february, some say it's just another Tuesday, but the day itself showed me, it IS NOT. It is THE Valentine's Day.

As I reached the bus-stop, I noticed that there's a lot of people waiting there, maybe as the buses were not frequent that time. Anyhow I took a stand over there and kept waiting. And after some time my bus was coming, and looking back at the bus, I kept running forward as the bus seemed like as if it was going to stop crossing the place where I was standing.. and just as I almost reached the door of the slowing bus, BUMP!!

I really don't know where did she pop up from, suddenly, and we literally collided with each other! She was also running to catch the same bus, but she was coming from the opposite side, and such a direct hit! Before I could get up and say sorry, some public from the bus and the stand just kept pouring loud whistles and cheers! I won't lie, for once I thought like she's gonna react ferociously cuz no girl can expect such a rude (hey, not MY alone fault!) collision! And that too before the young crazy public , and again the day being not any other simple day, but THE Valentine's day, the day on which every naughty and not-naughty mind notices couples and any kind of 'romantic' events more n more! So I quickly got up and hold her hand to help her get up, saying 'SORRY'. Luckily, I didn't get a rude fiery glance as I was expecting, but a sweet simple face, smiling with a sprinkle of shyness over her face, and she too said Sorry in reply to me, and within the cheers and whistles, we got in to the bus. And within the funny comments and my red face, lost track of her, maybe she went forward within the crowd to grab the seat reserved for ladies..

When I got off the bus, and entered my 'pro'-zone, I didn't look back, as I knew she was not there, and I also didn't know why should I have looked back, that was just a bump. It happens. But some things I just couldn't jerk off my mind. One is.. the solid bump, I felt like I have hit some thing that I have never had hit before. Other is, of course, the loud cheer and siti-s played by the crowd on the open road on the V-day, and lastly, the shy look with a smile on her face. I don't know her. I will never get to know her. But all these events, do they not seem a little bit too filmy, too planned to be real! That's what I couldn't get an answer for. I already have feelings for a girl and even wishing to meet her some day, if possible. Then why such a sudden bump? Why did it happen to me? Sigh. :)

As the lift-door opened and I was about to enter my office, waves of a beautiful melody blew over me! It was some karaoke session organised for today, the V-day, and a bollywood song was playing, a romantic one, a Shah Rukh Khan -one, of my like. Yes I know, it all had to happen, but why in a flow, just like a film? I was standing agape and slowly I entered my office, and here I am, on my work-desk, kind of away from the V-day- celebrating world outside. But guess what, again-n-again I am going in my mind, for that cheer, that silly yet joyful moment of extreme shame and another feeling that was typical when a guy bumps into a girl. It all turned out to be real, yet still now when I am thinking all of these, it totally seems filmy, like I remember a scene from Mohabbatein!

Maybe this would be the same when I will meet the girl I have feelings for, some day in future. Maybe God wanted to present a preview, just to encourage me that today's stranger can be tomorrow's dream. Maybe it's all just a simple daily 'something' that I am unnecessarily thinking about over and over.

Maybe that's what love is, unplanned-yet-planned, shameful-yet-sweet, true-yet-filmy... :)

A Coffee break

2012-01-28T15:07:00.000+05:30

----------The preface----------

"It is impossible".

The stirring sound of the machine stopped. And the warm milky creamy-colored coffee was ready while I was busy thinking about something. I looked at the coffee-cup. It was just another simple paper made cup with some simple tags, and the coffee looked warm, cuz of the smoke that was making a foggy illusion over the cup. I held the cup, felt the warmth, smelled it, and it was so different than everyday's coffee. I can say that, yes I do.

Before it seems like a thoughtful encounter with a tasse de café, or simply the bliss of a nerd working for a long time before his computer with eyes without rest, let me begin, the tale...that made that coffee so blissful, or blissfully coffee-tical.

----------The prelude----------

The night before that day was something truly unexpected an unimaginable and also an uncontrolled event (or events?..) in my life. I don't remember much, apart from the blurry shadows of vision in mind, that I could recall. I was feeling like vomiting, I had slapped Debu real hard. And before it could be called a punch drunk fight within two roommates, he left the room, I lost my senses and I fell asleep with the bottle, the glasses, and pieces of a torn paper scattered on which I had sketched a beautiful face some day. Tears were coming down my eyes, I couldn't remember if that was crying or silently weeping. The pour of Vodka in my blood seemed to fade away all my griefs and pains and agonies that night. But what made me like that, to find myself in some bed of shit that night? What makes someone who has never drunk alcohol go booze rum and vodka till he can't take it anymore...? Till he cries and shouts and slaps and punches his roommate? What made a dark character out of me?

Going back to the past, about 10 years ago till now. Had seen a beautiful face in kindergarten. And through a kid's eyes that face seemed so pretty, 'so' pretty that even some angel smiled up above the sky and clouds, which resulted in a sudden long encounter with her again, in school, when I was in 8th standard. Those were the days of Sonu Nigam's songs from the album 'Jaan'... and the Saraswati Puja occasions, to have a shy glance , and the untold unknown first feel of love. Had feelings for her. And that feeling started to grow, like the pace of a merry-go-round, and we talked, we did fight, we saw each other almost everyday and God knows how the time flew like 'whew!'. And the thing that I could never tell her, the feelings inside my heart, I had to gulp it down myself. School life came to an end, and it became from 'hard' to 'hardly' to meet and talk to her. We were not accustomed to carrying a cellphone of our own at that time, and both being from conservative families, I thought, "Well, it's the time to let go". And I smiled. Little did I know that the angel up above the sky smiled upon this as well, maybe with a different context in mind.

College life, or should I say, a sudden rush of 'discipline' and 'indiscipline' in life that showed up all of a sudden but stayed for four long years.And before I started liking that life lately, it finished, with farewell and smiles, and best wishes.. and some hidden tears.

So what made it all up to the coffee cup? Well, on the last year of my college life, got in touch with her again through Facebook. And a limitless undying feeling that somehow got buried under the mixed up curry of electronics, circuits, results and pages of codes and bullshit, again pushed itself up from inside, and I laughed with her again, I talked about all the funny days in past again with her, and I noticed that yes, she did TOO miss someone, "me". As if she found back her 'someone to fight with', 'someone to talk to', 'someone to make faces at', 'someone to talk about' all the Disney movies that she liked , that she loved "Chronicles of Narnia" more than anything in his world of fantasies.. and all the books she had read and how she was afraid of dark and all. This time, a good listener within me showed up. And I listened to her, all day long, all night long. SMS, email, Facebook... and eventually, before I could ask her to meet again, a sudden strike of a shock shuttered upon me. My mom needed immediate surgery for stone in Pancreas. And within a week or so we had to make a plan and arrange everything up to visit Hyderabad for the surgery. Within all these, I couldn't push myself to that person who's waiting on the otherside to hear from me. And I still rememeber the last night in Kolkata before our journey to Hyderabad, I called her up, and said "I'm leaving, and I'll be back". Little did I know about things that would change a lot after that night.

----------The days of the dark----------

Hyderabad. Absolutely a new thing, a new place, a new sudden 'something' in my life, in my family's life. Thoughts and concerns were paused for a while in my mind as I entered among the people of Andhra Pradesh. A metro city which is both busy and calm at the same time. Mom was admitted sharply and I was left alone, for the first time, without mom, the most caring person in my life, the person to ask me about lunch, dinner, bath... the person to scold, to care at the same time, the one who's always proud about me but careful as well, all the time. First few days seemed like a sudden change, and that person left there in Kolkata was always there with me, virtually, but all the time asking about my mom's health, about my health, about my dinner, my lunch, my pains, my tears, my reasons to smile. She gave me inspiration, she gave me the words that I needed most in those cold, dark nights. There were very few friends to ask me about. She was the person I 'found' to open my mind out. Started to understand her. Tried to know her. And one night, I told her. About the cold fire that I kept hidden inside me for so long. I told her, love it is, in my heart, for her.

As I sipped the coffee till the end, trying to conceal something that was coming to my mind sitting before my workdesk, I failed in concealing it... and that thing barged in my mind once again. How I cried to hear that from her. How I couldn't believe at first and kept telling her "You are lying, aren't you?", how I slept that night with my mind diverged in two path- one to the weary eyes sleeping in the nursing home who loves me more than her life, and the other one to that person back in kolkata, who told me that night, that she had no feelings like that for me, rather she already was in a relationship with a person, and they will marry, sooner or later. It's like, the time and that night got iced suddenly, and I said to myself "Had I not been late telling her about my feelings, she would have been there waiting for me, believing me, feeling me and my wish". The irony is, it all comes to our mind when the things are actually over. Because if always the 'right' thing happened at the 'right' time, then that wouldn't have been 'right'. Have I just made a riddle? Is love a riddle......?..

Moving forward to the future from that very night, I had to accept a truth. She was truly in a relationship with a person and they were committed for each other. But I was the friend, possibly the best friend that she found back again in her life. And she wanted me to be in her life forever, just as a good friend, because like me, she also had a very few people to actually read her mind. One can be an open book before the world but does the world always care about turning the page over to read what's written till the end? She had found a friend to talk to. Her relationship was not taken from a good point of view from her family as the guy seemed to be "not-so-educated" to fit in their family-picture. This was where I told her, "Don't worry, if you love her, you two will surely be together, no force no will can keep you two away in life". And she found a supporter of their true-relationship, which I really liked. I liked it because the girl I loved wants to be happy with the person forever. And I also liked it because she took the initiative from her side to not just follow the damn old family-ethics,but to take her own step to her will. And ofcourse, I guess, being her friend was a choice I had to choose. I didn't want to lose her touch.

Through the teary, muddy path of a romantic and non-romantic storyline, my mom got all cured up, and I was the happiest person, and my Didi and Dad. And I had to be back to the rush of Kolkata, bidding bye to Hyderabad, the place from where I proposed her and the place where I had to accept the truth, however sad that was and of course, not to mention, the place which returned my life, my mom back to me. That was a thankful goodbye to Hyderabad. Did the angel up above in the sky smile again seeing me waving goodbye to the city......?

Returning to Kolkata, it was all rush and running cuz of my sudden break from the flow in college, and eventually as I kept caring about my mom and trying to forget the girl from my life, a surprising surprise was waiting. It was call of Hyderabad again! Got selected by EA. And their call of duty welcomed me to Hyderabad once again! That's still the best phase of euphoria to me till now. Days of farewell showed up in college and eventually it was time to bid goodbye to all and the best friends of my life. Those years of friendship, those years of fear, fun and madness, the semesters, the tensions, the reliefs, the joy, the fights, the cheerful celebrations and fest... it all came to an end, a full stop.

----------The journey begins----------

And there I was, entering my bachelor life, the life of 'freedom'. Before my EA days, it was just Begumpeth and Amerpeth and Panjagutta to say as my 'Hyderabad days', and now it turned up to be a completely different angle of Hyderabad, it was my entry into the professional side of the City of Nawabs and Pearls, into the other dimension of Hyderabad known as CYBERABAD. Days and nights of my life got changed. It was a totally different kick from my everyday 'college-life' or the life surrounded by friends. Got mixed within a large number of people like me, as well as started redefining a new 'me' from myself, and I suddenly found a different me during that phase.

Now as I got busy within those busy days of my professional life, I also started to get myself acquainted to the culture and combination of the IT industry and the bachelor life. I entered a life where there was no existence of truth without a lie, and no smile without pressure. But I didn't mind that. I was free. Like I always wanted to be. And though initially I had to stay with some other guys, sharing room (and toilet), later I moved myself to a complete loneliness of mine. Rented a small room of my choice, the room was perfect for a loner, only a single window that I hardly used to open. Only I know how much I loved that room, and decided to stay there, even still I do. I found all my freedom within the four walls like I used to get a glance of when I was in home, in Kolkata. I started getting busy and devoted to my work, and in between that, I tried to find out some time to sketch, to paint. Never did before, I mean, I used to be busy with studies and games and all nerd-ic stuffs that I hardly could imagine of getting a paper and sketch and all. I still don't know why or how, most of my sketches and paintings depict women, and that too in a wrath of pain. Am I a sadist? Sometimes I ask myself. Do the sketches and paintings only say about a woman who got hurt? Why should everything be happy and colorful all the time? Tears make us human being. I believe, the more someone has to suffer and cry, the more he or she deserves some surprise, some eternal euphoria in their life.

First salary was used to pay the rent and make things up. And I started saving, though only a few was left after every month till the account got credited again. Anyhow, they say, where there is a will there is a way. And my little savings turned up to be at least that much to finally buy the piece of art that I always wanted to buy and learn and play myself.. a guitar. And one fine evening I bought home the piece of emotion. I played a lot, I never knew the formal knowledge and all, I just listened and started waving my fingers over the six strings... till I fell asleep. Maybe always in my memory, a face used to come and fade away... and i always wanted to forget that face, the voice in my mind, and to wipe her out from the strings of my mind, I tried to make myself busy with the six abstract strings. And maybe I succeeded, maybe I didn't...

So just like all those days of sketches and inks and musics and sleeping late, one day I was on my workdesk. And that was a busy day, I was busy with a game. Suddenly I felt a slight tickle in my pocket. It's funny how we relate things to some memories from our past, and that day I almost remembered something from the past, I almost went to a fine morning in my memory, back in Kolkata.. that was early in the morning when I was driving my dad's car beside the Ganga river and there, while I experienced a wonderful morning, with a blissful scenery of the Sun rising over the Sun, I felt the same vibration in my pocket. And that day, from my workdesk I went back to the morning with that tickle in pocket. And it was a missed call, from her. I don't know how all the moments and time got paused at the time while I just stared at the screen of the mobile phone. I couldn't understand why she called me after so many days and months, and didn't even wait for me to pick it up. I couldn't understand if I should call her back. The only thing that I recall, is that for the remaining hours in my office, my mind was not at all within the Cyberabad. It almost escaped to somewhere else, to some boulevard of broken dreams and some school days.

I called her back. And the call was left unanswered.

----------What goes around, comes around----------

Well, eventually the ice was broken. And she said she was sorry for not been keeping in touch. And again and again she said, that she wants me as ONLY a very good friend in her life. And all my resistance to my emotions seemed futile to my own senses that time, and I was happy to be back in touch with her. And she didn't say a word about the guy in her life. I didn't ask either, maybe I thought something else, and.. sigh.. I always think so much.. Why do I.....

And we talked, through days and nights again. She was by that time got employed and shifted to Mumbai. She told me, how she started to love the City of Dreams... and how he missed Kolkata. I listened. Everything she had stored in her heart to tell me some day, how she participated in some cultural program in Mumbai, how she started cooking on her own, how she loved buying a new pair of shoes for herself...and all. And I kept listening, and asking "..then?". Only if she knew what was going in my mind... and what kept me listen to all his stories and everyday smiles..

And just like that, one night, when I found her smile back again to my ears over phone, I told her, that I still had feelings for her. She didn't say a word, she didn't even cut the line. I knew she would do this. And I knew I would not get any answer from her. And I don't remember when we finally cut the call that night.

The next morning, I woke up with a call! It was her! She asked me to wake up, wished Good Morning, and also asked to get ready for my office. Is there only YES and NO predefined as answer for all the questions on earth? Certainly No, or maybe Yes. And I took that Good Morning-call of her as some answer maybe, in my mind, and I was in some other world for two days, within those two days, we didn't talk much, but maybe I dreamed a lot, and smiled, unknowingly.. on the street, in the dhaba, on my workdesk.

What I lost, I achieved again, I thought, and I smiled.

----------The hurt heart----------

So on the third day, I asked her again about the feelings and all. I was behaving like a mad, only I know why. And I stumbled upon her reply... that their marriage was going to be done soon, and even her parents started to understand them both. I lost my words, I thought that guy was gone from her life, I cried over phone, and she cut the call. Before I could make out everything, an unknown call was there, that turned out to be her fiancee.

He told me that he knows about my feelings and all, and I should not keep in touch with them. No, he did not turn out to be violent over phone, but said that he understood me, but they were already in a relationship, and cut the call. It was within some minutes. All of this happened over some moments and it was ALL OVER! I could understand a little, and mostly I couldn't. It was all rolling before my eyes. Perhaps I just opened my door and sat on the stair... for how long I don't know, I didn't know if I was alive at that time or not... everything seemed so dark and painful.

I called Debu. I needed a drink. He stared at me agape because I never did drink ever earlier. I said, I need a drink, I would pay. Later the gears of pain he bought, were Rum and Vodka. I drank till I lost my senses, and posted a hell lot of things over Facebook, mostly insane updates over my heartbreak, that too being drunk. Everyone on my friend list were shocked, some enjoyed commenting, some were so hurt to see their friend in such a situation that they kept distance and stopped talking. I wrote, I posted pictures of drinks, I cried, I messaged her over phone.. that I love her! The only reply came is what was the last thing to break me into pieces, completely-

"You are mad. You are drunk! You have lots of girls to have fun in your life, Arunava. I used to think that you are just not understanding, but I didn't know you are so sick! And friendship!! It is impossible to keep touch with you! ...It is impossible!"

----------The coffee break----------

The coffee seemed like a bliss, after the hangover and headache. And as I went through all the episodes of this thing that I felt for a girl, I don't know if it was love or just some infatuation or crush.. but that was something that was in my life, and by the night it was totally gone, I had to let it go. Because it WAS the time to finally put the full stop. And I promised myself, the full stop will be there, forever.

So what did I learn? Is it a custom to learn something after a heartbreak? Did I learn that she was a mean person, that she kept playing game with me..?.. that if I could be in a relationship with her, my life would have been more hell? I know, maybe these are all the things people learn, after heartbreaks... Even I wanted to believe these things. But I know myself and my mind, heart well.

So what did I learn?

On the day of the heartbreak, before I could ask her and get the pain in return from her and her fiancee, I had called a friend of mine, a very good person who perhaps understands things more than me. And I couldn't get in touch with any other friends.. but he picked up the call. Is there a proverb starting with 'a friend in need..'? I came to feel that proverb that evening. I told him everything over phone, he already knew a lot previously, and I concluded my decision and dilemma to him. He told me, and made me think.. didn't I have a good feeling when I kept in touch with that girl? Didn't we both smile and forget the daily sour taste of life? Didn't we both do the wrong and also the right? Then why did I have the idea to kill that feeling and proceed to a relationship? I laughed that evening, cuz I thought that friend of mine was wrong. But now I know, yes, that was good. The moments that you two laugh, you two talk, you two dream, that is the most beautiful thing.. the most beautiful moments of both of the two's lives. Maybe that is what love is. To just love and laugh and do not expect anything further. Because expectations hurt us, not love.. as Shakespeare had said. I never realized this thing before, but on that moment, as I was soothing myself with the sip of coffee, I thought these all, and I felt, Yes.. THAT was love, not what I wanted to turn it into. Everyone may go away at some point from our life, but we DO remember only the moments of laughter, the moments of smile that we did together, the messages that go deleted but once used to hold so many stupid smileys and talks and questions and words... that none other than two of us know and knew.

So that was love, we both had fallen in love. Anymore further, it would not exist. It should not. Then LOVE would have had no value..

Moment of madness.. as everybody say.. is that love? Or is it being true to each other within a mad rude world... that is Love... ? :)

May she be happy in her life. I know she will be. She will be with the guy who she wanted to be with. And someday I will also laugh about all these silly juvenile 'heartbreak' story, I know that. Someday someone will be there in my life too, maybe, I don't know..

But at this very moment, I feel like love is like a dream... that both of the two persons see, they believe and live in it. And one night it gets over. Goodbyes come. But the next day is the day they understand what life and love is. Love is the warm milky beautiful coffee in the cup. We have to sip it up before it gets cold, and we should not expect the coffee to be there in the cup forever, in that way it will get cold and will lose the taste. Sipping the warm love, is what life is.

That love.. or infatuation... whatever.. was my coffee-break in life, in everyone's life it happens. Not heartbreak.. :)

"Dil Gira Kahin par dafatan

Kyon gunj rahi hai dhadkan...

...Jaane magar Yeh nayan...

Teri Khamosh zulfon ki gehraiyan

Hai jahan dil meraa.. uljha hua hai wohi.. kho gaya

Tu magar hai bekhabar hai bekhabar..

Dil Gira Kahin per dafatan....."

A little sweet, a little sour -days

2012-01-22T14:55:00.000+05:30

Sunoh Kahani.. Sunoh..

Na Koyi Raja, Na Koyi Raani..

Dil kehta hai.. dil ki zubaani..

Sunoh Kahani.. Sunoh..

"Listen to a story, listen..

There's no King, nor any queen..

The heart speaks out what's there in the heart..

Listen to the story, listen.."

When does a boy become a man? Is it when he starts to fly on his own? Is it when he forgets the innocence in him and his days of innocence?

Down the memory lane, there is the heaven in my mind. Much before vodka, CV, internet, facebook, college.. there was a kid, he didn't speak much. Used to be lost in his world. A world that he was invited to. Watching everything with a glance of surprise. The color of an ice-cream, the bell that used to ring, the teachers... their spectacles, the books, the smells, the rainy days on which he used to see the drops from the window, and the market that he was afraid to be lost in, and he used to hold his mom's hand and ..yes.. he was amazed a lot with this world. He started making a world of himself within this world.

The rains used to be more beautiful. The little scoldings used to be more painful. There was a fear of proving myself bad before the teachers and mom. And some friends were there. Didn't have to make friends. They just showed up. And the classroom. Sometimes I used to get late in getting out of the classroom... and there was no friends, no teachers in the classroom.. and an unknown fear used to come crawling down the blackboard.. and I quickly got myself out to the gate and wait for mom to come. Once she showed up, I knew I am safe and sure about all good.

I still remember the head-mistress of my school. She used to wear big geeky spectacles, and I used to fear her more than any other teachers, and more than that I used to respect her. Because I loved the big smile on her face when she used to remark "Good" or "Very Good" in my papers. And yes she used to write a big "G" followed by the other letters. That pattern was different, unique. Maybe that "Good" or "Very Good" was different than any praise or remarks I've received till now, that's why I remember it so much. Not that I didn't get any scolding from her. And when I did, only I know how much bad I used to feel.

One of my best friend was the cleaning lady. She was so good and sweet. Firstly I didn't understand why she didn't teach us or show up with books and spectacles. She was of my mom's age. And I still remember how she used to lace my shoes after I returned from the toilet, how she used to talk to me about so many things till my mom appeared to pick me up. I was so much free with her. I used to tell her what happened in the class, what did I learn from that day's class, who was my best friend, my results and all... And I don't know why or how.. she used to listen to it all, and I never asked her about herself, or her family. She was the first listener of words from my world. And I don't know if she liked those words from a kid or not.. but no one knew we were such good friends. I recall her face, but I don't remember her name.....

Waking up so early in the morning, that too with the fear of going to prepare for school, was the only bad thing I guess. Yes, I used to fear the school more than everything. There was too much crowd. Maybe only friends pulled me there from the bed, and I thought that however bad the school is, there will be the break, the 'tiffin-time', and that is my time.. to find out some good surprise in the tiffin-box, and to play with Animesh, Anirban, Satyajit, Adarsha, Vaskar, Pobitro and others. Doing fun with them in the classroom, and talking about this and that.. about 'Shaktiman'.. if I missed the last episode.. about the cartoon shows in DD-Metro, mimicking the tone of Donald-Duck.. about comics and batman. Days have changed. Shaktiman is lost against the bulky-figured Krrish and Batman looks more like a villain in today's dark films and animations. The Batman in childhood days used to be different. So different...

Ultimately the day showed up, the day of the 'result'. And I was more afraid than anyone. I clearly remember, I never could dream about going to school to see the list. I used to cry and shout and make my parents go to see my 'progress status' and would hide myself either under the bed or behind the dressing table with the long mirror attached. And used to pray to God to make me pass. I didn't know how it feels to fail, and I never did want to know. I could only keep writing all I know in my papers, submit them, enjoy the vacation after the exams and then on that very special day, would tremble like a rabbit and hide myself. And when dad returned, I could hear the tone of the bell of his cycle, and mom opening the gate, and I used to just pray...and pray... and finally to my utter surprise I could find both of them smiling with joy and I would never believe until I saw it myself..that I have come "1st" in the exam. I could believe if Shaktiman would appear before me, but I never understood how I came first within all my friends. That's the mystery I could never solve.

Pobitro was handicapped. Couldn't walk properly. And ofcourse he was the best friend of mine. We used to sit together, and we wouldn't allow anyone else to occupy our 'eternal'-bonding. When everyone made fun of Pobitro, I didn't like that. And I used to make faces at them. Pobitro would sometimes wet his pants. And I used to call the teacher, and the cleaning-lady would come and take him away, carefully, with love... from the laughing classroom and disturbed teachers... and for the rest of the class I had to sit in some other bench with someone else.. maybe Satyajit or someone.. but I missed him a lot during that period, till he was brought again to the classroom.. and I used to run to sit beside him again. Ofcourse he himself would ask first, "Ei arunavo!". Pobitro and I used to talk about anything and everything which I clearly don't remember. And maybe our thoughts matched a lot. And his result was not as good as mine. But I didn't know why. He knew everything I knew. About Batman, Shaktiman, Donald duck and price of stickers in the bookstores.

Vacations used to be fun. Often going for tours with family. Me and my sister enjoyed a lot. And the more the days of vacations would come to the end and the days to get back to the classroom would crawl in crawling, I felt bad, restless. And I could only imagine of not going to classroom, but could never do that in real. Mom would scold. Dad would scold. Even Didi would scold. So had to be back to the school, and it was surprising sometimes to find out that the classrooms have got changed! Totally changed! The new classrooms seemed so strange, and sometimes some new faces. Girls had to sit in some other side, and we boys had to sit in another. There were Lucy, Saathi, Priyanka, Sushmita ... these are some of the girls whom I can recall from my memory. Maybe cuz they were not at all girly or something, but they were more like us, and we played a lot. And sometimes I would return home and tell my mom about them, and mom used to tease me a lot, and I used to become mad at her! Ofcourse girls were stupid, we were intelligent. That's why we used to use the whole tiffin-time in playing and eating and singing and shouting whereas they would just silently sit in their benches and would just watch it all happen. They used to waste the whole valuable tiffin-time, they were so stupid!

Some days, I would go to the bank or the market or some clothes shop with my mom while returning. Sometimes some of my friends' parent would also join. And while they talked about their talks which were so boring, me and my friend used to talk and run and play the whole way. There was an old man in the Ghoshpara market who used to repair broken umbrellas. And that shop, I don't know why, used to catch my attention all the time. I never went to that little shop of the old man, but I used to imagine what's happening over there. Beside the old-man's shop there was a big stationary shop and opposite to it there was a grocerry shop, if I remember right. So once my mom would go in any of the stationary or the grocerry shop.. I used to watch the old man, his shop, his job and the umbrellas carefully. It was a dark, small shop but it used to be magical, and colorful. The broken and torn umbrellas, some were black, while others were so colorful, with patterns. And parts of umbrella were scattered and hanging from here-n-there. And the old man would keep working and not even look at the street. I don't know the reason, but that was a shop I can recall from my memory.

They say, we change a lot. I never understood the meaning or significance of this line. But it's so true. Gone are those days. Those days of holding mom's hand on the street, unknown pleasure, sadness and "Very Good"-s in results. High-school, cigarettes, college, marks, failures, "F" in result card, over-spicy and over-oiled chicken rolls have showed in, and those days of craving for an eclairs have gone with the winds. But there has always been a wish of 'freedom' within mind. I guess that's the only similarity between the Arunava from past, from the classroom, from the lap of my mom.. and the Arunava now, who does not have any contact with "Pobitro".. doesn't know how he is, where he is, who hardly is in touch with Satyajit, Adarsha and all, who got a job, is away from his home, from his mom, who fell in love with a girl and got heartbroken, started drinking RUM and VODKA, and is enjoying a life of freedom, pain, politics, knowledge, lies, clappings and pollution. Is this the "me" that I wanted to be? Is the "Arunava" with little shoes running and giggling is gone forever...like Shaktiman and Donald Duck?

Today, as I woke up, I felt that I have changed a lot. Whereas I know I actually have not. And I need not prove it all before anyone or everyone. Because some things are better left inside. Writing all these words, and no one will understand these except someone like me who has also changed a lot but actually HAS NOT. Like the lines of the TV soap from childhood days- "Sunoh Kahani" says, there's no King, no Queen. Love, Pride these are all just some mere ecstasies. The story, your story, my story.. is the thing that matters. To be free, to be good, to dream and achieve, and fall and rise.. is the "Kahani" of life.

The kid 'Arunava' was never lost, may he be never lost. Batman became dark. The dark knight. And the freedom in heart, the heartbeat is same. Because the environment changes. We don't.

I haven't. :)

"A Little Sweet, A Little Sour
A Little Close Not Too Far
All I Need, All I Need
All I Need Is To Be Free

Chhoo Loon Main
Itna Kareeb
Chal Padun
To Kitna Dur..

A Little Sweet, A Little Sour...

Chhoo Loon Main Itna Kareeb
Chal Padun To Kitna Dur..
Sapno Ka Buna Sweater Sa Warm
Safed Baadalon Ke Paar
Mera Jahan...


Let Me In Without A Shout
Le Me In I Have A Doubt
Let Me In Without A Shout
Let Me In I Have A Doubt
There Are More,Many More
Many Many Many More Like Me

Akela Nahin Main

Khuli Aankhon Se Neend Mein Chalta

Girta Zyada Kam Sambhalta

Akela Nahin Main
Khuli Aankhon Se Neend Mein Chalta
Girta Zyada Kam Sambhalta
Phir Bhi Na Koi Shaq Na Subha
Nikalega Phir Se Sooraj Jo Dooba

Hairat Ho Sabko..

Aisa Ajooba... Hai Mera Jahan..

Open Eyed How I Run
How I Run To The Other Side
Open Eyed How I Run
How I Run To The Other Side
Then I Glide Like A Bird
I Just Want To Be

Udne Ko Sau Pankh Diye Hai
Chadme Ko Khula Aasmaan

Udne Ko Sau Pankh Diye Hai
Chadne Ko Khula Aasmaan
Mudne Ko Hai Karwat Karwat
Aur Badhne Ko Mera Jahan

Bachpan Ke Din Chaar
Na Aayenge Baar Baar
Jee Le Jee Le Mere Yaar
Jeib Khaali To Udhaar
Jee Zindagi..."

SOPA, please STFU

2012-01-18T17:48:00.004+05:30

The ill bill which, if passed and comes under law, would certainly be positive for the shares of some big business tycoons and organisations. But the matter of fact that is making all the knowledge based networks including Wikipedia, Google and independent websites with least concern about making money and more involved in sharing information and knowledge to vox populi, is that the bill, if comes alive, it would surely turn out to be a fox hidden in the skin of a legitimate sheep. And of course, the bill would try to concern about the 'P' of SOPA which will slowly, but surely turn into poking into people's 'P'rivacy rather than just the mentioned 'P'iracy as an abbreviation.

Concerning about user rights and software piracy is not a new tsunami in the big sea of internet. There have been raised eyebrows, and ban of social network sites and sharing sites across regions and places. But one thing should be made clear. Piracy can not be stopped, only discouraged. Because without darkness there's no entity of bright sunlight in world. It's a common but always interesting update to all the geeks and netizens out on the web watching over to find out that some major software or operating system or computer intelligence and resource got leaked before its official release. And they call it 'piracy' and unethical and make a stamp reading 'Use genuine software only'. Need some food for thought? Well, dear 'genuine' slogan-shouting people, isn't piracy kind of an 'unofficial advertisement' of the genuine product over net? What if a software named 'photobluff' is released and everyone finds out that the software does not have any shadow or presence on any FTP-s and file sharing sites or torrent sites or other 'illegal' .com-s and .net-s? Of course there will be an idea that the software is no good and of no use, and hence most will not invest a single credit from their account to the stomach of the 'photobluff' (Sorry, no torrent results found!). Now for an example (and not for promotion), let's take 'Photoshop' as an example. Even a loner geek in his garage who doesn't have any friends or facebook can understand the value and popularity of the software as soon as he starts to type it out on google and rather than the original buy-link other search results come out like 'free photoshop torrents', 'photoshop working patch' etc. Does anyone have any doubt about the usefulness and necessity of the software then? So isn't it somehow like a 'shadow-advertising'? Want more to add? Isn't it true that most of the softwares and resources ACTUALLY get leaked on the web from the only lab who are making the software? Who leaks Windows 8? Me? You? No! It's a Microsoft guy or to be bit soft, any guy involved in the process of making and experiencing the product before its final release. So accept it or not, it IS a shadow-advertising. A promotion in guise of the tag 'Illegal'.

So once SOPA finds out their own reason of stupidity to make an act that will actually axe on their OWN ass, let's move on to the 'P' for privacy part. According to Wikipedia (oh yes I backed up the page before their blackout), there will be a concern about "Deep-packet inspection" which is, to be clear to the not-tech-savvy people out there, is actually opening up your diary and reading up all your activities without your knowledge and permission before you can share your diary with someone else. Problem Facebook, Twitter? Yes, SOPA says there is 'nothing to worry' about your social activities but you never know, to find the escaped lion, how many trees they are going to uproot, scan and see before they finally deforest it all out and finally find the lion (and by then lion v2.0 will be out on the web). So you can be a geek of your own and think that you are sharing a post with 'Friends only' but actually there are uninvited friends within the 'Friends only' bluff, and SOPA will just say "No, we just opened your bathroom door and we couldn't find our lion, so we closed the bathroom door again. We see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil!".. What a bluff! Stop Online Piracy(read, PRIVACY) Act! *Claps*

It's not like I'm asking it all to be open. To see no existence of customer support and value of resources used to actually make and develop a software from scratch. Being tiny, but on an existing state in a global IT industry, all I can say is, what about Open-Source Software then? Did everyone forget about it? No. Because it needs no promotion, 'shadow-advertisement' and all. It was created from an open mind, it is cultured within an open network, and it is developed with an open source. Yes, it doesn't come up with a 'BUY ME' or 'I'm Genuine' logo. But what's the value of freedom without knowledge that is free, that is what we are meant to know and that makes us human being, the most intelligent species on our Earth? SOPA has a lot to do with Open Source platform. Firstly, SOPA will cut out all the links and shares of the 'pirated' copies of their 'genuine' products. Fine, even if we survive that, the hidden search for softwares that are 'copying' our 'genuine software' will begin. And that is the end of the developers who are enjoying their freedom of knowledge with happily given user-donations. For an example, if there is an official tool for converting a video to an mp3 file which comes for some bucks, and there's another software available on the Open-Source platform which does almost the same thing but without any price or anything to ask for rather than just some happy donations, then for sure the 'pricey' prototypes may raise a concern about the 'free' 'copied' tool available as 'copy and theft of idea, code and blahblahblah'. Yes there is a doubt about this act but there's only a little time for the transformation of a doubt to reality.

Anyways, enough said. But SOPA, you are seriously going to screw up the privacy, freedom of knowledge and ofcourse Open-Source network, along with axing ur own ass as well. But one thing I can say being myself an open-minded person: Nothing will stop knowledge, good knowledge that is never diluted when shared.. good knowledge that is never lost, rather enriched through ages and ages through same-minded people. And that 'network of freedom' can never be breached by any coat-tie wearing NFL enriched mind or minds. Of course everyone counts how many original products are copied illegally, pirated and shared on web. But does anybody count how many software-projects and codes from developers are stolen and put with shine-n-bright and put under price tag without mentioning about the original person behind the product, killing the donation of the developer who is perhaps a college going student or a genius in making but who lost it all to the 'privacy and piracy' shit of this ruthless world?

Go SOPA, go... Try changing the internet. And the internet will change itself much before you can even imagine.

Food for thought, what if there's an act that ensures the privacy of open-source platform? And whoever makes a product like that and tries to sell it is treated as a law-breaker?

And last but not the least, I hope they who are happy with SOPA did pay their money in "Stop Piracy. Buy Original Windows Vista Only". ROFL.

STFU, SOPA.

An Eternal Sunshine in the moonlit night of my life

2012-01-11T18:38:00.002+05:30

Of the heartiest greets I receive, within the big warm smiling faces around,
there's a reason why I wish to leave the party even before it makes me astound..
Take my bag, walk out of the office and the street is there to put my feet on,
Do I recall, or do I want to forget some laughter that were long away gone?
She was a miracle.. and just like a miracle she was gone with the wind
and lies, sweet lies, how painfully blessed was the moments in mind to rewind.

The canine dwellers of street, some howl, some come closer to be friend
do they find me a stranger, or a same of the breed with just some emotions sent..
So far have I come, an angel smiled and I ran for her touch, been craving for
and I didn't know how emotions flurried with each move and words of her.
The blameless moments of running with smiles and unknown unseen sunshine
with my angel, flying above the world of truth and reality and blood shredded shrine.
Was it a moment of pause when I saw her sad? Or did I see myself in her smiling yet hiding eyes
when she stopped, didn't look back.. and I was left behind despite all the 'Take care'-s and being nice?..
Before even touching the hand I slipped and a moment of pain that was hard to put in words
I felt, (sigh) insomnia, I knew it's gonna be put over the pencil, jukebox and my six string chords.
Bewildered crazy expressions, what could I do, I fear losing her touch..
over my mind, my life... and everyday's drama, I was starting to love her so much.

And of course life doesn't stop, how hard and how harsh the 'life' we get from life,
but to be happy is not the melody our 'life', to see someone smiling is what we strive.
Been there, seen that. Eternal sunshine under a moonlit sky,
You can erase love from memory, but not from heart.. however hard you try.
Starting of a new life, we came by the whirl of destiny and got in touch,
what awaits in future, how far shall I lose my angel, no letters to count or catch.
Only thing that is so drunken within this piano-played dark night, is someday, some night like this
I wrote a letter from my heart, with love and a hand to hold her forever, with a promise of a true kiss.

The roads are dusty, the winds are on
and the show of 'Oh my life' must go on.
But somehow a pedal of love, a moment of worry and a lot of laughter
will be there, and I will be there the way she wants. Eternal sunshine in the night of life, FOREVER.

LEAVE IT

2011-07-15T21:17:00.003+05:30

Within the dark night you walk alone,

like you have come upto reaching the end of your journey

But you know

that it's freezing

and you don't have your shadow with you on the go...

Crossing the hills and passing the fields

you come to a place where you stand by,

and you gaze to find a single, faded star

on the vast, cloudy, dark sky.

You take some water

you get some sleep

under the tree, near the cliff;

you dream of a freefall

you cry for a hand

and the bangled hand reaches you

in your dream, to give you a stand...

Wake up, the morning is here

nothing to lose, nothing to fear.

You start walking, have miles to go;
forget the dream, let her go.

Promise to me

2011-07-15T21:14:00.001+05:30

Beyond these tears, my flickering smile

holds the promise of love

from the beginning of time.

Even though I'm alone now with our yesterdays,

this day is born.. glowing

like the first time we spoke and we met.

Somehow I lost you

among all my memories

but you brush past my face

softly as the breeze..

though we slipped apart,

like

sunlight..

..through the leaves.

The promise of love

will live on

eternally..

even though I'm alone now,

my tomorrows are boundless,

like the kindness

you showed me, hidden in the night.

Somehow I lost you

among all my memories;

in a brook's gentle song,

in the depth of the sky,

in the scent of a flower,

you will live on

eternally.

A PIRATED MOVIE, A PLATE OF CHOW, people of Peepli.. and a bad taste

2010-11-05T23:50:00.000+05:30

"Des mera rangrez ye babu.

Ghat-ghat yahan ghatta jaadu....."

(Sir, my country is a mix of colors.
each-n-every time it's magic happening here.....)

Now that was a song that made me feel that..yes..the film is gonna be good, but not superhit..or even box office high-flier..

So I decided not to watch it in a hall.. but rather wait for an 'illegit' availability as a torrent file on the internet. The reviews were in.. and saying that Peepli [LIVE] was really really good and some even reviewed better than that. I was, somehow thinking, that I should have had watched the film in a cinema hall, cuz after all it's connected to Aamir Khan, one who makes real good films. As I don't have broadband, I requested all of my friends with the power in their PC to let me know if they download or recieve the film from the internet or from any friends.

That evening was nothing special, I got out for some street foods, my 'USED TO BE' usual tiffin in the evening.. like samosa-s.. or some chinese dishes.. or any kind of junk foods. I had to meet with a friend (cum senior) nearby, so ordered a pack of veg-chow to be ready while I meet with him and pick up the packet while returning home the same way. Had some gossips with that (big) bro and he told me that peepli was there in his hard disc. I gladly copied that ".avi" file, thought I'll enjoy the movie.. and thanked him. He replied, "You're going to FEEL the film". I said "I'll try to". Smiled, recieved the packet of the chinese dish while returning and finally got settled with my netbook (not to mention the film and the plate of chowmin).

The first scene.. I mean both the AAMIR KHAN-bannered "a" logo and the running scene of "NATTHA".. one of the leading roles of Peepli [LIVE], made me feel that this film is going to be good. And started watching, the film's starting scenes were from a village.. named Peepli. and two characters.. Nattha and Budhiya, who are farmers from that village, face losing their land
over an unpaid government loan. Desperate, they seek help from an apathetic local den of political activists, who suggest they commit suicide to benefit from a government program that aids the families of indebted deceased farmers, or those farmer families who have had a member who suicided (now that's a slapping irony on the face of these POLICIES and "Yojna-s"). AKP's official plot brief for Peepli [LIVE] was this:

"Natha a poor farmer from Peepli village in the heart of rural India is about to lose his plot of land due to an unpaid government loan. A quick fix to the problem is the very same government's program that aids the families of indebted farmers who have committed suicide. As a means of survival Farmer Natha can choose to die!!! His brother is happy to push him towards this unique 'honor' but Natha is reluctant. Local elections are around the corner and what might've been another unnoticed event turns into a 'cause celebré' with everyone wanting a piece of the action. Political bigwigs, high-ranking bureaucrats, local henchmen and the ever-zealous media descend upon sleepy Peepli to stake their claim. The question on everyone's lips - "Will he or Won't he?" As the mania escalates what will be the fate of Farmer Natha; nobody seems to care how he really feels? "

Not to mention, as I got more n more immersed within the film (and the chowmin), I found out there are also two characters who have the most volume in the whole film..

Rakesh, a wannabe journalist and a local-news reporter of Peepli. and the other one is a very,very poor farmer/worker in the village named Hori, who has gone weak under the pressure of poverty (or inflation, no rain-no farm..whatever you say). Rakesh wants to follow and get help from a lady-news-journalist of a giant news corporation (and giant pay-scale) to become a journalist like her. Hori, the old man tries his best to earn some food for living. While the media goes crazy n frenzy over Nattha's suicidal issue and its impact on the upcoming election(-battle), Rakesh finds no reason over this craziness, rather finds out that the media is just doing a job.. there's no change coming, lots of farmers dying, and trying hard not to die like Hori, who worked so hard for living, yet died in the same field he was working in. The oh-so-great lady-reporter tells Rakesh that literally he shouldn't think of these things, if he wants to be on the line of journalism. Meanwhile Nattha escapes the eye of the media and police (and people). In a race to find Natha, an accident takes place, a casualty occurs. Everybody thinks that burnt thing/body is Nattha.. whereas we can see the wrist-band of the body.. that was Rakesh.

I just couldn't believe this. That Rakesh dude was the most immersing character in the film, as I saw. With great sense of humour in his Shayari-s and ambition, feelings in his heart. He had an ambition to be in a better place, be a journalist..despite of being from a village like Peepli. And all his thoughts and dreams got shattered when the lady-journalist told him the 'job' of journalism. Rakesh was the one who understood that media, people, polliticians are being crazy.. And that cost his life.

Anusha Rizvi, the mind behind this epic piece of motion capture, truly captures the rural and "B.P.L" life of Peepli.. a part of India. The old "amma", the humorous yet pointing-to-poverty dialogues, slangs and views of Peepli and it's people really made me feel, that truly, under the present scenarios of India, poor farmers are really in a fix, and the suicidal reports of farmers is also to be noted (not just in reel, but in real-life also). Is this how industrialization wins over agriculture in a country like India? Is this how youth power are being used in pollitics, while the young people are perhaps totally unaware of the inner-relation and 'colors' of the pollitical parties? Is this how farmers like Hori try their hard, get no response from the Govt. and die? Is this how farmers like Nattha leave farming and come to the city and be a part of the industrialization process? Is this how people will keep on being crazy on any issue and media takes the role of just stating the story rather than analyzing it? A lot of questions. But surely not plenty answers to all of the questions.

Being from a farmer's family (my maternal side of relationship), I am a dude in Kolkata, proud of a developing country, eating chinese, having fun with friends and facebook and supporting piracy. I don't know but it was a making-me-guilty-feeling stare from Peepli[LIVE]. No, it was not a slap, the people of Peepli are to weak and poor to do it, but left such a glance on me n my mind, I got struck. Surely a film makes us think, but not like thinking like this before. The ending scene shows Nattha the escapee is now working as a worker under the industrialization process of the city-the developing part of India. The role of Rakesh can be compared to youths who support a cause or a pollitical party without even knowing they are just in a big game.. ("India sir ye cheez dhurandhar"). Hori is none other than those people who just try to earn a living.. Nattha and his family is also a part of the B.P.L people.. In a word, Peepli[LIVE] is a total view of India, which was somehow not totally known to me.. Here pollitical parties are ready to rock-n-roll every now-n-then, dagger's drawn at each other, pollitics, media, Khaan, TRP, people, Policies... everything is playing, enjoying.. the only people being affected is the people with a good and honest ambition(Rakesh) and farmers like Hori, and survivors like Nattha.

The film ends, leaving a message..(the signature style of Aamir Khan) that 8 million farmers quit farming in India between 1991 to 2001 (Credits to the Census report mentioned).. Yes I can see now, if I visit the places of my maternal family.. farming is now the work of rent there. The B.P.L people have not seen any rays of hope. (I hope they do).

The movie watching ends. The chow is half finished.. can't remember when and where I stopped having it.

The only scene I remember is Rakesh watching Hori.. like today's youth watching India.

I don't know, but the chow seems so tasteless now.. Wasting it....

"Chola maati ke ram
Ai kar ka bharosa
Chola mati ke re

Drona jaise guru chale gaye
Karan jaise daani
Sangi karan jaise daani
Baali jaise veer chale gaye
Raavan jas abhimani
Chola maati ke ram
Ai kar ka bharosa
Chola mati ke re

Konori hisna kono rahai bhaiya
Ee sabke paari, ek din aai sabke paari
Kaal konola chhode nahi
Raja rank bhikhari
Chola maati ke ram
Ai kar ka bharosa
Chola mati ke re

Bhav se paar lage barhete
Hari ke naam sumar le sangi
Hari ke naam sumar le

Ye duniya maya ke re pagla
Jeevan mukti kar le
Chola maati ke ram
Ai kar ka bharosa
Chola mati ke re

Chola maati ke ho
Haay!!!
Chola maati ke ram
Ai kar ka bharosa
Chola mati ke re.."

[Fri, 05-Nov-2010, 11:05PM--- Another festival of light ends. Let's lighten up the innerself now.]

Cricket, Customs, Durgapujo, a crush and my silly smiley :)

2010-10-25T14:52:00.005+05:30

The Pujo is here.....

This sentence contains some letters from the English alphabet.. arranged and disarranged. But this line means all those things.. the smells...the delicacies.. the plannings.....and, the 'love'. Yes.. that's what Durgapujo meant.. and means now to me. It has been a week and more days of joy. I remember my friends used to play cricket in the fields almost all the days a year has, and asked me to play too. Not that I played bad, I realized, I shudn't. Cuz there was a medical advice from the medical gods i.e. doctors that the hitting of the ball to my leg could bring a bad result, as I had a problem in my right leg which, everyone thought, was tumor but later has been sentenced as nothing but mere grow of femur. What was not mentioned in the reports.. was that I missed all those days just watching them play. I missed playing a lot.

So, the days of pujo were like finding relief within the whole year. Not that I should have played cricket at that time, but of finding the whole environment more enjoying..more colorful..more cheerful than the usual days of my friends making prank of me in and off the field. I used to be the eyeball of the whole family..starting from Bardhaman to Nadia. I used to get loads of new dresses and lots of..lots of love from all the family members. I felt so much happy.

It all started with watching the beautiful sky and the lovely clouds that told me, it's the time. I used to only go to pujo pandals to watch the Pratima (idol of Goddess Durga), the people.. and aah.. the lightings and other electrical eye-candy works. I also craved for all those street foods (I didn't know what Biriyani was till I went to hi-school) which were as usual a negative reply-bringing action. But that didn't make my celebration tasteless..no,not at all.

The relatives used to come, bring dresses which me and my sister loved..and used to see that they are also being gifted some dresses in return. I didn't understand anything. Just used to get happy to see all those smiles......till there was a lot of shouting and sounds coming every now and then from the house, and I used to see my Maa weeping. That made me sad. I didn't know what does 'salary' means.. nor did I know what was the amount of money my family used to pay for the whole family-exchange thing. Ya, I now understand...the root was a big family.. with so many relatives and proportionally so many responsibilities that don't care about economical conditions.. making my family slowly pressurized with all these things. And as I grew up, I felt the relatives visiting our home ar now just a few.. and no more dresses as well. That was ok. By then I had known that all these customs are good to see but only bring perspiration to the forehead of a lower-middle class family. I got used to being not-gifted by relatives from then on. But the pujo feelings was always there. There were gifts from my parents. I loved those, so did my sister.

By the time I grew up to know and fear the words 'Madhyamik, Higher-Secondary exams', I noticed that the fun of Durgapujo is noticeably getting faded. I was taught to study.. study all those things I understand, or I didn't understand. Result? Only good score in what I understood and poor marks in what I didn't understand. At that time of being busy in studies, being busy in understanding that MTV is actually a cool channel, Lucky Ali sings really good... and noticing a surprizing arrival of moustache and beard on my facial.. I also noticed an unknown feeling that kept even my Cricket-deewana friends away from the field.. later known as each of them having a special friend.. a girlfriend.

I was with all my dumbo-friends.. all the time seeing how our 'coool' friends attracted attentions of fairies that my maa has always warned not to even think of. I won't lie.. I tried a bit.. seeing that it always ended up as being show-cased.. not being noticed. But I was happy with all the big praising words of my teachers and smart result-cards from the school. I was somehow a 'good' boy who studied, got marks, got praises, but never being 'noticed'. No, I didn't -nor do- look like young Shahrukh Khan.

But I had heard somewhere within the classes..that while we are within the earth's environment system.. there is no place where there can't be air. Air turned into breeze..and I felt it. She was beautiful, she was 'cool', she was smart.. and as usual.. she didn't also notice me. Poor me. Lucky my friends. There was so much gossips about her in the classes, in the streets. She had so many fans. I liked only her because I felt she was the one. The one I could gossip with my friends that yes.. she's MY girlfriend. I ended up thinking only of her.. and missing her the days I didn't see her. Again poor me, lucky my friends. There was pressure on studies. Yet I cherished the 'Pehla nasha' song.. and the breeze.

The pujo came. I was,by then, a bit aware of what makes me look cool and what makes me real cool. I didn't try the artificial way much. Because I knew my parents would never buy me a faded 'keewl' jeans. I was natural, with so much feelings that even I prayed so many things to Maa Durga.. no not about job or engineering (I never knew I would study engineering), but all about silly feelings.. huh.. And yes, what happens in scripts don't happen in real life. So there were exams, there were rushes, there were worries for the results, there were unexpected poor marks in the results (credit goes to the breezes and feelings)..and slowly but clearly, the school life was over. I didn't know where she went.. I didn't know why should I run after a thing that flied high.. I only knew that, so much time has been wasted. Entered engineering college, had normal, casual, boring pujos for 3years. These 3 years, the durgapujo was all about a stream of noise.. a lapse of time before the semester exams, and I saw my cricket-deewana buddies again getting diverted to other 'rich' attractions of life- branded bottles. This is just the exception where I still think for this rezn.. Lucky Me.. Poor them. By this time, I went normal to cool, lost all those school friends.. even friends from my locality.. rather got a bunch of new friends, new ways of styles to get acquainted to, and to do group discussion officially (which we used to previously do in any occassions). Yes I got some looks, I started getting some unknown missed-call notices, and again poor result from the university. Ya, there were games, another nice attraction, that perhaps, helped me escape all the hidden pains and boring aspects of my life.. I got lost in games, bunch of books, computer, friendship, 'Groupship' and gossips.. typical b.tech activity, I must say.

This is, the final year of my college life.. when I am writing this note. Cricket-deewanas are busy in preparing for GATE, MATE, SAT, MAT, CAT, HORSE, DONKEYS.. AND PARROTS (though I must say they still shout when Sachin scores 200). I am thinking of grabbing a job a.s.a.p so that I can earn money, buy all those things I feel to buy, but am constrained from at this time. When suddenly, slowly, and again with a rainy breeze.. has come another Durgapujo..yes.. the last year of my college life, so the only pujo left to be enjoyed with college friends..some of whom hav now become my only good friends. And as I said breeze.. I am meaning it. She is back from somewhere.. I don't know whether from my imagination, or from some other world.. or from the world I left back in my past.. long ago. This time, I felt of telling her.. ending up with just speaking insane. What could turn into a real-life meeting has now for time and situation's sake, turned into damn online-Facebook-orkut chat with texts and smileys.. Yes, now sharing moments means uploading photos.. speaking with someone means chatting through proxies and servers. But I couldn't resist my feelings. I told her. And yes.. by text.. by chat.. as thousands of people and flirts do now-a-days. But to my utter surprise, I felt that she is respecting the relationship.. ya, I wrote earlier that she is smart.. She meant that just by announcing or changing my facebook relationship status to 'is committed' does mean nothing. She smiled.. yes.. smile means a ":", and a ")". I had seen several fake smileys on the net, by my friends.. but for this time, I felt.. yes, she is smiling. I texted with her for a really long time, making the servers and proxy-s keep connected for almost 6 to 7hrs.. or maybe I hav forgotten to count how many hours. She has been nice to my feelings. No, not the usual "OK, I LOVE YOU" kind of stupid txts.. but I don't know how.. this Durgapujo turned out to be the sweetest Durgapujo of my life. Yes, I am upset.. but at the moment happy too.. cuz I've gained courage to tell her.. not just post in my diaries and .HTML facebook pages. What if it's virtual confession, what if the smile in my face is just : and ).. what if when she says ":) bye :)"..I feel like again missing her; I am sure that these smileys are from herself.. not just from the keyboard. I don't mind keeping all those lost years and classes and moments confined in just ":)". But it's more than better.. elixir to my life. And when she is saying now that she's gonna be out of station during the pujo, and tells me not to be upset, enjoy this Durgapujo.. I really feel from the inside to enjoy, to smile again from my heart.. to respect the feeling buried under so many events and pages of time. This durgapujo of 2010 is my most and will be the most memorable Durgpujo in my life. Tonight, as I'm ending this note.. the pujo session is starting ("Saptami"- the seventh day of the timing of the celebration, taken as the starting day of worshipping the Goddess and the craze.... is just some hours away). FINALLY, THIS :) IS REALLY MAKING MY HEART BEAT FASTER. I will be upset if I lose her contact again, but have understood much much more than just a school-time crush or infatuation. I am happy.. :)

HAPPY DURGAPUJO!!!

[Original posted on FB on 13th OCT'2010, 10.45PM IST]