A Coffee break

----------The preface----------

"It is impossible".





The stirring sound of the machine stopped. And the warm milky creamy-colored coffee was ready while I was busy thinking about something. I looked at the coffee-cup. It was just another simple paper made cup with some simple tags, and the coffee looked warm, cuz of the smoke that was making a foggy illusion over the cup. I held the cup, felt the warmth, smelled it, and it was so different than everyday's coffee. I can say that, yes I do.


Before it seems like a thoughtful encounter with a tasse de café, or simply the bliss of a nerd working for a long time before his computer with eyes without rest, let me begin, the tale...that made that coffee so blissful, or blissfully coffee-tical.

----------The prelude----------

The night before that day was something truly unexpected an unimaginable and also an uncontrolled event (or events?..) in my life. I don't remember much, apart from the blurry shadows of vision in mind, that I could recall. I was feeling like vomiting, I had slapped Debu real hard. And before it could be called a punch drunk fight within two roommates, he left the room, I lost my senses and I fell asleep with the bottle, the glasses, and pieces of a torn paper scattered on which I had sketched a beautiful face some day. Tears were coming down my eyes, I couldn't remember if that was crying or silently weeping. The pour of Vodka in my blood seemed to fade away all my griefs and pains and agonies that night. But what made me like that, to find myself in some bed of shit that night? What makes someone  who has never drunk alcohol go booze rum and vodka till he can't take it anymore...? Till he cries and shouts and slaps and punches his roommate? What made a dark character out of me?

Going back to the past, about 10 years ago till now. Had seen a beautiful face in kindergarten. And through a kid's eyes that face seemed so pretty, 'so' pretty that even some angel smiled up above the sky and clouds, which resulted in a sudden long encounter with her again, in school, when I was in 8th standard. Those were the days of Sonu Nigam's songs from the album 'Jaan'... and the Saraswati Puja occasions, to have a shy glance , and the untold unknown first feel of love. Had feelings for her. And that feeling started to grow, like the pace of a merry-go-round, and we talked, we did fight, we saw each other almost everyday and God knows how the time flew like 'whew!'. And the thing that I could never tell her, the feelings inside my heart, I had to gulp it down myself. School life came to an end, and it became from 'hard' to 'hardly' to meet and talk to her. We were not accustomed to carrying a cellphone of our own at that time, and both being from conservative families, I thought, "Well, it's the time to let go". And I smiled. Little did I know that the angel up above the sky smiled upon this as well, maybe with a different context in mind.


College life, or should I say, a sudden rush of 'discipline' and 'indiscipline' in life that showed up all of a sudden but stayed for four long years.And before I started liking that life lately, it finished, with farewell and smiles, and best wishes.. and some hidden tears.

So what made it all up to the coffee cup? Well, on the last year of my college life, got in touch with her again through Facebook. And a limitless undying feeling that somehow got buried under the mixed up curry of electronics, circuits, results and pages of codes and bullshit, again pushed itself up from inside, and I laughed with her again, I talked about all the funny days in past again with her, and I noticed that yes, she did TOO miss someone, "me". As if she found back her 'someone to fight with', 'someone to talk to', 'someone to make faces at', 'someone to talk about' all the Disney movies that she liked , that she loved "Chronicles of Narnia" more than anything in his world of fantasies.. and all the books she had read and how she was afraid of dark and all. This time, a good listener within me showed up. And I listened to her, all day long, all night long. SMS, email, Facebook... and eventually, before I could ask her to meet again, a sudden strike of a shock shuttered upon me. My mom needed immediate surgery for stone in Pancreas. And within a week or so we had to make a plan and arrange everything up to visit Hyderabad for the surgery. Within all these, I couldn't push myself to that person who's waiting on the otherside to hear from me. And I still rememeber the last night in Kolkata before our journey to Hyderabad, I called her up, and said "I'm leaving, and I'll be back". Little did I know about things that would change a lot after that night.

----------The days of the dark----------

Hyderabad. Absolutely a new thing, a new place, a new sudden 'something' in my life, in my family's life. Thoughts and concerns were paused for a while in my mind as I entered among the people of Andhra Pradesh. A metro city which is both busy and calm at the same time. Mom was admitted sharply and I was left alone, for the first time, without mom, the most caring person in my life, the person to ask me about lunch, dinner, bath... the person to scold, to care at the same time, the one who's always proud about me but careful as well, all the time. First few days seemed like a sudden change, and that person left there in Kolkata was always there with me, virtually, but all the time asking about my mom's health, about my health, about my dinner, my lunch, my pains, my tears, my reasons to smile. She gave me inspiration, she gave me the words that I needed most in those cold, dark nights. There were very few friends to ask me about. She was the person I 'found' to open my mind out. Started to understand her. Tried to know her. And one night, I told her. About the cold fire that I kept hidden inside me for so long. I told her, love it is, in my heart, for her.

As I sipped the coffee till the end, trying to conceal something that was coming to my mind sitting before my workdesk, I failed in concealing it... and that thing barged in my mind once again. How I cried to hear that from her. How I couldn't believe at first and kept telling her "You are lying, aren't you?", how I slept that night with my mind diverged in two path- one to the weary eyes sleeping in the nursing home who loves me more than her life, and the other one to that person back in kolkata, who told me that night, that she had no feelings like that for me, rather she already was in a relationship with a person, and they will marry, sooner or later. It's like, the time and that night got iced suddenly, and I said to myself "Had I not been late telling her about my feelings, she would have been there waiting for me, believing me, feeling me and my wish". The irony is, it all comes to our mind when the things are actually over. Because if always the 'right' thing happened at the 'right' time, then that wouldn't have been 'right'. Have I just made a riddle? Is love a riddle......?..

Moving forward to the future from that very night, I had to accept a truth. She was truly in a relationship with a person and they were committed for each other. But I was the friend, possibly the best friend that she found back again in her life. And she wanted me to be in her life forever, just as a good friend, because like me, she also had a very few people to actually read her mind. One can be an open book before the world but does the world always care about turning the page over to read what's written till the end? She had found a friend to talk to. Her relationship was not taken from a good point of view from her family as the guy seemed to be "not-so-educated" to fit in their family-picture. This was where I told her, "Don't worry, if you love her, you two will surely be together, no force no will can keep you two away in life". And she found a supporter of their true-relationship, which I really liked. I liked it because the girl I loved wants to be happy with the person forever. And I also liked it because she took the initiative from her side to not just follow the damn old family-ethics,but to take her own step to her will. And ofcourse, I guess, being her friend was a choice I had to choose. I didn't want to lose her touch.


Through the teary, muddy path of a romantic and non-romantic storyline, my mom got all cured up, and I was the happiest person, and my Didi and Dad. And I had to be back to the rush of Kolkata, bidding bye to Hyderabad, the place from where I proposed her and the place where I had to accept the truth, however sad that was and of course, not to mention, the place which returned my life, my mom back to me. That was a thankful goodbye to Hyderabad. Did the angel up above in the sky smile again seeing me waving goodbye to the city......?


Returning to Kolkata, it was all rush and running cuz of my sudden break from the flow in college, and eventually as I kept caring about my mom and trying to forget the girl from my life, a surprising surprise was waiting. It was call of Hyderabad again! Got selected by EA. And their call of duty welcomed me to Hyderabad once again! That's still the best phase of euphoria to me till now. Days of farewell showed up in college and eventually it was time to bid goodbye to all and the best friends of my life. Those years of friendship, those years of fear, fun and madness, the semesters, the tensions, the reliefs, the joy, the fights, the cheerful celebrations and fest... it all came to an end, a full stop.

----------The journey begins----------
 

And there I was, entering my bachelor life, the life of 'freedom'. Before my EA days, it was just Begumpeth and Amerpeth and Panjagutta to say as my 'Hyderabad days', and now it turned up to be a completely different angle of Hyderabad, it was my entry into the professional side of the City of Nawabs and Pearls, into the other dimension of Hyderabad known as CYBERABAD. Days and nights of my life got changed. It was a totally different kick from my everyday 'college-life' or the life surrounded by friends. Got mixed within a large number of people like me, as well as started redefining a new 'me' from myself, and I suddenly found a different me during that phase.


Now as I got busy within those busy days of my professional life, I also started to get myself acquainted to the culture and combination of the IT industry and the bachelor life. I entered a life where there was no existence of truth without a lie, and no smile without pressure. But I didn't mind that. I was free. Like I always wanted to be. And though initially I had to stay with some other guys, sharing room (and toilet), later I moved myself to a complete loneliness of mine. Rented a small room of my choice, the room was perfect for a loner, only a single window that I hardly used to open. Only I know how much I loved that room, and decided to stay there, even still I do. I found all my freedom within the four walls like I used to get a glance of when I was in home, in Kolkata. I started getting busy and devoted to my work, and in between that, I tried to find out some time to sketch, to paint. Never did before, I mean, I used to be busy with studies and games and all nerd-ic stuffs that I hardly could imagine of getting a paper and sketch and all. I still don't know why or how, most of my sketches and paintings depict women, and that too in a wrath of pain. Am I a sadist? Sometimes I ask myself. Do the sketches and paintings only say about a woman who got hurt? Why should everything be happy and colorful all the time? Tears make us human being. I believe, the more someone has to suffer and cry, the more he or she deserves some surprise, some eternal euphoria in their life.

First salary was used to pay the rent and make things up. And I started saving, though only a few was left after every month till the account got credited again. Anyhow, they say, where there is a will there is a way. And my little savings turned up to be at least that much to finally buy the piece of art that I always wanted to buy and learn and play myself.. a guitar. And one fine evening I bought home the piece of emotion. I played a lot, I never knew the formal knowledge and all, I just listened and started waving my fingers over the six strings... till I fell asleep. Maybe always in my memory, a face used to come and fade away... and i always wanted to forget that face, the voice in my mind, and to wipe her out from the strings of my mind, I tried to make myself busy with the six abstract strings. And maybe I succeeded, maybe I didn't...


So just like all those days of sketches and inks and musics and sleeping late, one day I was on my workdesk. And that was a busy day, I was busy with a game. Suddenly I felt a slight tickle in my pocket. It's funny how we relate things to some memories from our past, and that day I almost remembered something from the past, I almost went to a fine morning in my memory, back in Kolkata.. that was early in the morning when I was driving my dad's car beside the Ganga river and there, while I experienced a wonderful morning, with a blissful scenery of the Sun rising over the Sun, I felt the same vibration in my pocket. And that day, from my workdesk I went back to the morning with that tickle in pocket. And it was a missed call, from her. I don't know how all the moments and time got paused at the time while I just stared at the screen of the mobile phone. I couldn't understand why she called me after so many days and months, and didn't even wait for me to pick it up. I couldn't understand if I should call her back. The only thing that I recall, is that for the remaining hours in my office, my mind was not at all within the Cyberabad. It almost escaped to somewhere else, to some boulevard of broken dreams and some school days.

I called her back. And the call was left unanswered.

----------What goes around, comes around----------

Well, eventually the ice was broken. And she said she was sorry for not been keeping in touch. And again and again she said, that she wants me as ONLY a very good friend in her life. And all my resistance to my emotions seemed futile to my own senses that time, and I was happy to be back in touch with her. And she didn't say a word about the guy in her life. I didn't ask either, maybe I thought something else, and.. sigh.. I always think so much.. Why do I.....

And we talked, through days and nights again. She was by that time got employed and shifted to Mumbai. She told me, how she started to love the City of Dreams... and how he missed Kolkata. I listened. Everything she had stored in her heart to tell me some day, how she participated in some cultural program in Mumbai, how she started cooking on her own, how she loved buying a new pair of shoes for herself...and all. And I kept listening, and asking "..then?". Only if she knew what was going in my mind... and what kept me listen to all his stories and everyday smiles..


And just like that, one night, when I found her smile back again to my ears over phone, I told her, that I still had feelings for her. She didn't say a word, she didn't even cut the line. I knew she would do this. And I knew I would not get any answer from her. And I don't remember when we finally cut the call that night.


The next morning, I woke up with a call! It was her! She asked me to wake up, wished Good Morning, and also asked to get ready for my office. Is there only YES and NO predefined as answer for all the questions on earth? Certainly No, or maybe Yes. And I took that Good Morning-call of her as some answer maybe, in my mind, and I was in some other world for two days, within those two days, we didn't talk much, but maybe I dreamed a lot, and smiled, unknowingly.. on the street, in the dhaba, on my workdesk. 

What I lost, I achieved again, I thought, and I smiled.

----------The hurt heart----------

So on the third day, I asked her again about the feelings and all. I was behaving like a mad, only I know why. And I stumbled upon her reply... that their marriage was going to be done soon, and even her parents started to understand them both. I lost my words, I thought that guy was gone from her life, I cried over phone, and she cut the call. Before I could make out everything, an unknown call was there, that turned out to be her fiancee.

He told me that he knows about my feelings and all, and I should not keep in touch with them. No, he did not turn out to be violent over phone, but said that he understood me, but they were already in a relationship, and cut the call. It was within some minutes. All of this happened over some moments and it was ALL OVER! I could understand a little, and mostly I couldn't. It was all rolling before my eyes. Perhaps I just opened my door and sat on the stair... for how long I don't know, I didn't know if I was alive at that time or not... everything seemed so dark and painful.

I called Debu. I needed a drink. He stared at me agape because I never did drink ever earlier. I said, I need a drink, I would pay. Later the gears of pain he bought, were Rum and Vodka. I drank till I lost my senses, and posted a hell lot of things over Facebook, mostly insane updates over my heartbreak, that too being drunk. Everyone on my friend list were shocked, some enjoyed commenting, some were so hurt to see their friend in such a situation that they kept distance and stopped talking. I wrote, I posted pictures of drinks, I cried, I messaged her over phone.. that I love her! The only reply came is what was the last thing to break me into pieces, completely-

"You are mad. You are drunk! You have lots of girls to have fun in your life, Arunava. I used to think that you are just not understanding, but I didn't know you are so sick! And friendship!! It is impossible to keep touch with you! ...It is impossible!"

----------The coffee break----------

The coffee seemed like a bliss, after the hangover and headache. And as I went through all the episodes of this thing that I felt for a girl, I don't know if it was love or just some infatuation or crush.. but that was something that was in my life, and by the night it was totally gone, I had to let it go. Because it WAS the time to finally put the full stop. And I promised myself, the full stop will be there, forever.

So what did I learn? Is it a custom to learn something after a heartbreak? Did I learn that she was a mean person, that she kept playing game with me..?.. that if I could be in a relationship with her, my life would have been more hell? I know, maybe these are all the things people learn, after heartbreaks... Even I wanted to believe these things. But I know myself and my mind, heart well.

So what did I learn?

On the day of the heartbreak, before I could ask her and get the pain in return from her and her fiancee, I had called a friend of mine, a very good person who perhaps understands things more than me. And I couldn't get in touch with any other friends.. but he picked up the call. Is there a proverb starting with 'a friend in need..'? I came to feel that proverb that evening. I told him everything over phone, he already knew a lot previously, and I concluded my decision and dilemma to him. He told me, and made me think.. didn't I have a good feeling when I kept in touch with that girl? Didn't we both smile and forget the daily sour taste of life? Didn't we both do the wrong and also the right? Then why did I have the idea to kill that feeling and proceed to a relationship? I laughed that evening, cuz I thought that friend of mine was wrong. But now I know, yes, that was good. The moments that you two laugh, you two talk, you two dream, that is the most beautiful thing.. the most beautiful moments of both of the two's lives. Maybe that is what love is. To just love and laugh and do not expect anything further. Because expectations hurt us, not love.. as Shakespeare had said. I never realized this thing before, but on that moment, as I was soothing myself with the sip of coffee, I thought these all, and I felt, Yes.. THAT was love, not what I wanted to turn it into. Everyone may go away at some point from our life, but we DO remember only the moments of laughter, the moments of smile that we did together, the messages that go deleted but once used to hold so many stupid smileys and talks and questions and words... that none other than two of us know and knew.

So that was love, we both had fallen in love. Anymore further, it would not exist. It should not. Then LOVE would have had no value.. 

Moment of madness.. as everybody say.. is that love? Or is it being true to each other within a mad rude world... that is Love... ? :)

May she be happy in her life. I know she will be. She will be with the guy who she wanted to be with. And someday I will also laugh about all these silly juvenile 'heartbreak' story, I know that. Someday someone will be there in my life too, maybe, I don't know..

But at this very moment, I feel like love is like a dream... that both of the two persons see, they believe and live in it. And one night it gets over. Goodbyes come. But the next day is the day they understand what life and love is. Love is the warm milky beautiful coffee in the cup. We have to sip it up before it gets cold, and we should not expect the coffee to be there in the cup forever, in that way it will get cold and will lose the taste. Sipping the warm love, is what life is.

That love.. or infatuation... whatever.. was my coffee-break in life, in everyone's life it happens. Not heartbreak.. :)

"Dil Gira Kahin par dafatan

Kyon gunj rahi hai dhadkan...

...Jaane magar Yeh nayan...

Teri Khamosh zulfon ki gehraiyan

Hai jahan dil meraa.. uljha hua hai wohi.. kho gaya

Tu magar hai bekhabar hai bekhabar..

Dil Gira Kahin per dafatan....."